I’m a Crunchy Bagel

I’m a crunchy bagel. Yes, that’s right. I took an online test. You see them all over Facebook. I’m sure the REAL purpose of these tests is some sort of market analysis. You can’t help but take them, they are fun. It doesn’t seem like there is any real science to these things, but it’s a kick to find out the answer to the burning question, “What Disney Princess are you?” Or, “What Font” should you be? For the record, according to the quiz I should be Rapunzel, and Times New Roman. This is information I can take to my grave. Who knows, some day it may come down to “All you Times New Roman characters to the right, and the Goudy Stouts to the left.”

For purposes of this blog, I have been taking the most ridiculous tests for some time. Many of them I don’t even care about like: Which Bieber are you? Apparently there are different Biebers, Romantic Bieber, Young Bieber and Drunken Egg Throwing Beiber. I barely know his name. I can’t even name a song he sings. He is a singer right?

I’m Sporty Spice girl, but my favorite is, what cereal are you? The fact is, I hate cereal. I eat eggs substitute every morning, but apparently I’m a Honey Nut Cheerios. Phew, I can sleep better now.

For the record, I’m Emma Woodhouse (Austen Heroine) Cora Countess of Grantham, (Downton Abbey) I’m a lemonade girl scout cookie. I must object. I don’t care for lemons let alone lemonade. Although, if I see a child selling lemonade I will buy some. It’s the right thing to do. Even if it’s disgusting swill, chug, smile and move on. Maybe that makes me something else on some other dumb test, but so be it.

I’m the High School Drama kid. I can deal with that. I did take High school drama. I’m a hippie, Lauren Bacall, Bieber in love, (puke) Producer Barbie and I’m a Pit bull. Now, this is weird. The psychic power I should have is Psychometry. I should have the power to sense the past of an object simply by touching it. I am “curious” about everything around me or so the quiz masters say. Now, let’s see, I just ate some corn on the cob. It’s coming to me. I see the corn getting loaded off the grocery store semi-truck. Before that it was in a field. I see it growing. Before that, it was a seed. Yes, they are right. That is the power I need. I can’t live without it.

I would take the power that enables me to get out of debt. Now, there’s a super power.

I’m Les Miserable. Of course, I am. I’m the Silent Survivor like Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption. I’m Sarah the Biblical Heroine, and yet somehow I’m also Judas. I strongly, strongly object. I WOULD NEVER BE JUDAS! NEVER! Can Judas even be considered one of the twelve? I mean, really. Traitor.

As strongly as I object, I am more afraid to let my conservative family know that apparently I am also Barack Obama. Which I don’t understand. For all I know, they only used three Presidents on the meter. Did any of your friends report they were William Howard Taft? Or who bragged they were Rutherford B Hayes? My guess is, they only looked at Washington, Lincoln and Obama. And by the way, between those three, I am Lincoln, or my name is not Judas Iscariot.

I joked with a fellow survey taker the quiz we need is: “What color Belly Button lint are you?” It never appears. It could have questions like: Did you bathe today? What color shirt are you wearing? Are you an innie or a outie? If you are an outie… Annoying buzzer sound! You don’t get belly button lint, you loser wanna-be!

Of course, the problem with making up your own dumb quiz, is some sore loser would try to sue you over it. “What do you mean, I’m a belly button lint wanna-be?” Or, “Of course, I get Belly button lint and I’m an outie.” I don’t know. I’ve never asked outies about their belly button lint problems. I might get in trouble at work. I’m sure you can guess, I’m an innie.

Here’s some of the other surveys I took.

Emma Woodhouse, Cora Countess of Grantham, typographic tattoo, Wyoming, Big Bird. Don’t Stop Believing, Rapunzel, Producer Barbie, Hippie, Rapunzel, Lauren Bacall, Full House, Sam from Benny and June, and Much A Do about nothing. Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. Thomas from Downton Abbey would frame me for theft. I’m Michel Foucalt, the philosopher. I really belong in Renaissance Italy and I’m also Beatrice, a Shakespeare character.

Now, some of my male cousins told me they read my blog, so let me just warn them, you may not want to read this next paragraph.

What strong female character are you? Lara Croft. That’s nice, but looking at a picture of this cartoon woman, first of all, she has breasts that come to attention in a perfect triangular diametric shelf. I’m not going to go into detail, but let me just say, that’s just not happening. I’m not sure it ever did.

Okay, male relatives can continue. Residential Haunting, Sistine Chapel, The Fantastic Four, I’m Inigo Montoya and, you know, I must say, all this quiz taking a side. For me to know, I would be Inigo Montoya from the Princess Bride, is something I take great joy in. “You killed my Father. Prepare to die!”

Pluto, Goddess of women and marriage, grumpy next door neighbor, Catwoman. What kind of Lover do you need? The good guy lover, and by the way, step forward please, sir. Immediately!

Jean Luc Picard, Storm, Kermit, The Lizard, Hybrid car, Sunshine Yellow, Linguistic thinker, Sun, Hope, Spirited one, Black Hair, Tiger, I’m 26% Bitchy and just in case Mr. Good guy lover is reading this, it’s not true. Really.

Oh, and let’s see. I wore a Navy sweatshirt today, Bright green workout shirt and gray sweatshirt. So, that means, navy, green and gray belly button lint. Let me verify beneath the triangular diametric shelf and past the perfect washboard abs. Nope. Oh, well, I guess that’s another quiz that got it WRONG!

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About rhondamhall

I am employed full time and am a humor writer & bicycle enthusiast.
This entry was posted in Humor, Quizzes. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to I’m a Crunchy Bagel

  1. bernquist says:

    I was told by one of these tests that I was a bowl of curdled wolf milk. I didn’t even know wolf milk was a thing, let alone curdled.

  2. Fun post Rhonda, Somewhere there is a computer program that knows more about you than you know about yourself. So, how did you die in a past life? Haha

  3. Funny post, Rhonda. I try to avoid those things, but I admit in my weaker moments I succumb. Can’t remember any results — oh yes I can. I would be Jimmy Carter. I suppose if there were any fortunetellers handy, I’d lay my money down in similar weak moments — although if it involves money . . .

  4. julieburgii says:

    As the last quiz I took guessed that I was a pharmacist, I would like to live into that by prescribing some lemonade for you, Rhonda. Seriously! How do you expect to take the place of Pam Kragt, who has now left my orbit? Lemon Sister…isn’t there a quiz for that?

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